yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
