He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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