I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
