Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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