I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Randomize
