Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
