my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
so much tequila, so little girl.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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