my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
