She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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