I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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