She's like a pop up book from hell.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
