I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
