when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
