This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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