I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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