I got chris browned last night
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
