2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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