I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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