The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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