you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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