I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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