I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize