Tell her she can't have a vagina
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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