Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
