I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
