yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
