This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
