I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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