Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
