3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
