The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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