At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
