I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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