I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
