I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
