Ambien. No doubt about it.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
