I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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