I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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