Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
