I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
