she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
