I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
