I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My penis needs a shock collar
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
