I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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