How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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