i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
