I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
