I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
