I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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