The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
