A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
