I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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